The holiday season can be a beautiful time of joy and connection—but for those grieving, it can also feel like a stark reminder of loss. Let’s be honest: grief sucks.

Darcy Harris defines grief as “the distress that occurs when an individual’s existing assumptive world is lost because of a significant life-changing event.” In simpler terms, grief disrupts everything we thought we knew, leaving us feeling off-balance and often thrown into chaos.

Grief and the Holidays

Grief doesn’t just fade with time. In fact, it can feel heavier as time goes on, especially during anniversaries, holidays, or other significant dates. And it’s not just the first holiday season without a loved one that stings—it can hurt in unexpected ways for years to come.

Non-Death Losses

Grief isn’t limited to the death of a loved one. Loss can take many forms—estranged relationships, a loss of trust, or even the loss of safety. These non-death losses carry their own weight and can feel isolating, particularly during a season that emphasizes connection and togetherness.

Why the Holidays Feel Harder

The holidays are brimming with sensory and emotional triggers—music, decorations, traditions, and even advertisements—all of which can amplify feelings of loss. This can leave grievers feeling exhausted and isolated. The pressure to embrace holiday cheer may clash with their inner reality, creating a dissonance that’s hard to manage.

Well-meaning loved ones might attempt to “fix” your feelings with platitudes like “look on the bright side” or “they’d want you to be happy.” But grief doesn’t need fixing—it needs acknowledgment and space.

Acknowledging the Challenges

Grief during the holidays can feel like a series of waves, sudden and forceful. These “grief tsunamis” can knock us off balance, triggered by seemingly small things—a familiar scent, a holiday song, or even the absence of a loved one in a family tradition. Understanding these moments can help grievers find their footing again.

Involuntary Autobiographical Memories (IAMs)

Involuntary Autobiographical Memories (IAMs) are spontaneous and unintentional recollections of past personal experiences that surface without any conscious effort to retrieve them. Unlike voluntary memories, which we actively summon, IAMs arise unexpectedly, often triggered by sensory input, such as a smell, a song, or a visual cue, or even by unrelated thoughts or emotions. These spontaneous memories can feel like emotional ambushes. While these memories can feel intrusive, they’re also a reminder of the deep connection we had with the person we lost.

Key Characteristics of IAMs

• Automatic Nature: They occur without deliberate effort or intention, often catching us by surprise.
• Triggered by External or Internal Stimuli: Sensory experiences (like the smell of a familiar perfume) or emotional states can serve as triggers, even if the connection to the memory isn’t immediately obvious.
• Vividness: These memories are often highly detailed and emotionally charged, feeling as if we’re briefly transported back to the original moment.
• Personal Significance: IAMs are tied to our autobiographical past, highlighting events or moments that are meaningful or impactful in our lives.
• Unpredictability: They can emerge in any context, even during unrelated tasks, making them feel intrusive or disruptive at times.

Preparing for the Holidays

Taking steps to anticipate and adapt to grief triggers can help make the holiday season more manageable:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings: Grief is part of your experience, and it’s okay to feel what you feel.
• Plan Ahead: Think about which traditions to keep, adapt, or skip. Be proactive about creating a holiday plan that feels right for you.
• Set Boundaries: Decide what events or activities you’ll participate in and which you’ll pass on. Communicate these needs to others.
• Create Space for Grief: Light a candle, share stories, or create new traditions to honor your loved one.
• Seek Support: Surround yourself with understanding people. If needed, reach out to a therapist or grief group.

Reimagining Holiday Traditions

The holidays will look different after a loss, and that’s okay. Here are some ideas for navigating the changes:

• Identify Meaningful Days: Make a list of dates that feel significant and decide how you’d like to honor them.
• Choose Your Company: Be intentional about who you spend time with and set boundaries with those who may not be supportive.
• Adapt Locations: Consider where you’ll spend the holidays—at home, with friends, or somewhere completely different. Having an exit strategy can help if things feel overwhelming.
• Incorporate Rituals: Whether it’s sharing a favorite dish, playing a loved one’s favorite song, or lighting a candle in their memory, rituals can provide comfort.

Moving Through the Day

Taking intentional actions on the holiday can help absorb some of the anxiety:

• Start the day with an activity that grounds you.
• Make time to reflect or write about your loved one.
• Allow yourself to feel joy or connection without guilt—grief and joy can coexist.
• If the day feels too heavy, take breaks or opt out altogether. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being.

Final Thoughts

As we enter the holiday season, it’s important to remember that grief doesn’t operate on a timeline, nor does it pause for festivities. For many, this time of year can amplify the ache of loss, making the expectation of joy feel overwhelming or even unattainable. If you are grieving, know that it’s okay to approach this season in your own way—whether that means holding on to traditions, creating new ones, or stepping away from the usual holiday hustle altogether. There is no “right” way to navigate grief, and each choice you make to honor your feelings is valid.

If you are supporting someone who is grieving, the greatest gift you can offer is your presence, patience, and understanding. Avoid the urge to “fix” their feelings; instead, simply acknowledge their experience and let them guide the conversation about what they need.

This season, let’s approach one another with gentleness, recognizing that grief and joy often coexist in complex and deeply personal ways. The holidays may look and feel different, but they can still hold space for love, reflection, and meaning. Be kind to yourself, honor your emotions, and remember that grief, at its core, is a reflection of the love we carry forward.

Remember: It’s okay to grieve, to feel joy, to laugh, to cry, and to remember. Grief is as unique as the love that came before it.

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About the Author: Debi Jenkins Frankle, LMFT, is a grief-informed psychotherapist with over 30 years of clinical experience, she specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate a wide range of losses and life transitions, whether sudden or anticipated. While a significant portion of her professional work is dedicated to training and consulting with other therapists in grief and loss, Debi devotes half of her practice to providing direct care to clients. Over the years, she has supported thousands of grievers on their unique paths to healing and growth.

Debi’s therapeutic approach is respectful, interactive, and dynamic. Recognizing that no single method suits every individual or situation, she emphasizes collaboration and personalization to meet each client’s needs and honor their experiences.

Debi Frankle, LMFT © 2024

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