When someone dies young or in the middle of life, it is a death out of time. It seems wrong, as if it should not have happened. The bereaved survivors lost not only the person, but their dreams and plans. Any untimely death is difficult to cope with, but the death of baby is generally considered the worst for several reasons.

1. Pregnancy is filled with anticipation and wonder. Who will this little person be? What will they look like, what will they do? Parents dream about this child, imagining their life and making plans to welcome the baby.
   
   
2. Pregnant women and their partners develop a bond with the fetus as it grows. When the baby kicks, mothers try to intuit the baby’s character as they prepare for their arrival.
   
   
3. When a baby dies due to miscarriage, death in utero or shortly after birth, the parents experience shock and disbelief. They are thrust into deep sorrow, grappling with the whys and how’s of what went wrong. Since most births happen in hospitals or birthing centers, grieving parents could be surrounded by happy families, newborn sounds, balloons and flowers.
   
   
4. When an out of time death happens, people say things they think are helpful. A mother might be told not to grieve after miscarriage, since she never carried the baby to term, and they can “always” have another child. This dismissive attitude creates disenfranchised grief, where a loss is not recognized as valid.
   
   
5. When a baby dies, parents grieve the projected life of that child. They may go home to a prepared nursery, to baby clothes that will never be worn. They may also have to comfort living children who were excited to welcome a sibling into their lives.

Fortunately, hospitals and maternity centers are becoming more grief aware. When Monica and Brandon* were close to welcoming their first baby with a home birth, Monica and her midwife became alarmed when the baby stopped moving at 41 weeks. Monica entered the hospital, and her son Callum was born still. The nurses and staff were sensitive and respectful. They washed and dressed Callum, offered them a room away from other families where they could hold the baby and mourn. Staff took clay and ink imprints of his hands, created a memory box and provided grief counseling. The hospital allowed family and friends to visit Monica and Brandon to grieve with them, take photographs and offered mementos of Callum to take home with them.

When this couple visited with me, they tried to process their loss in conversation and in art making. It was beautiful to witness Brandon’s tender support of his wife. Then Monica announced that she was pregnant again. I sought them out seven months later to help them express some of the fears they were experiencing as the birth of the second child approached. Bea was born live and healthy.

Monica became pregnant again when Bea was 3. She developed a strong connection with the baby in utero, certain it would be a girl named Iona. At 41 weeks, Monica was admitted to the hospital. Iona was also born still. The hospital again supported their grief in appropriate and sensitive ways.

To suffer one stillbirth is hard enough but two? Yet Monica and Brandon have continued their bond with both Callum and Iona, feeling them in their lives in spirit. In the midst of grief, they take these losses as paths to deepen their relationship, and to find ways to support others in similar situations.

In May 2024, their fourth child, Elias, was born. Monica and Brandon have photos of Callum and Iona in their home because their family consists of all their children, the two who died and the two who lived. While they will always wonder how the lives of Callum and Iona would have been, their love surrounds all four of their children and each other.

*Monica Jerminario and Brandon Bjerke have kindly allowed me to publish their story, using their real names.

Resources:

• https://www.missfoundation.org/
• https://bereavedparentsusa.org/
• https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support
• https://www.mountsinai.org/care/obgyn/services/support-programs/perinatal-bereavement