In 2018, Bridget Bagley’s son, Preston Bailey Hancock, died after a head-on collision in Tallahassee, Florida. For the next two years, Bridget struggled to manage the pain and grief of losing him. Traditional therapy wasn’t working for her so she turned to her hobby crafting and designed a piece of jewelry to keep Preston’s spirit and memory alive. Attached to the jewelry is a 3×5 card with Preston’s photo, Peter Pan’s poem, instructions on what to do with Preston’s Charm and Bridget’s email address.
Bridget made over 1,000 of Preston’s Charms and passed them to people or left them in places for people to find them. The people who received or found Preston’s Charm passed it from one person to another. Since Preston’s Charm debut in 2019, it has traveled and been found in every state in the USA, 24 countries, and 4 islands.
Like most people, she struggled to cope with and manage the grief and felt stuck in what she describes as the “grief pit.” But thanks to the hundreds of replies Bridget received and empathy people practiced with Preston’s Charm, it motivated her to manage the grief in a healthier and productive way that traditional therapy did not. Along the way she discovered 10 “powerful positives’ that helped her move forward with her life healthily and productively.
Powerful Positive #1. The current grief counseling and conventional therapy isn’t working. People and therapists continue to spend countless hours discussing and helping people manage their grief. Yet, most people are still stuck in the “grief pit.”
Observe how you are dealing with grief and the people who knew your Loved One. Can you provide a good, positive example of how you or they are managing grief healthily and productively and in ways that provide relief, peace, happiness, and hope? And in ways that bring families together to practice empathy for each other and strengthen relationships?
We are confident it would be a difficult task to find success stories. And that is because the focus is on anger, pain, sadness and despair. These negative emotions eventually cause more pain and heartache for yourself, family members, relatives, neighbors, friends, and co-workers.
After you die would you like your Loved Ones to live the rest of their lives with anger, pain, sadness, and despair over the loss of your life?” Or would you like them to live with relief, peace, happiness, and hope, If the answer is the latter, then stop living in the “grief pit.”
Powerful Positive #2. There is a selfish side to grief people and therapist don’t discuss.
You are not the only one grieving!
Although it is unintentional, most people only focus on their grief and oftentimes forget that other people are also grieving the loss of a Loved One. What about the spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, surviving siblings, family members, relatives, neighbors and co-workers, and the people who had relationships with your Loved One?
These people have been identified as the “Forgotten Mourners” by grief experts. Yet, therapists fail to discuss their grief with the same level of empathy and compassion as their clients. This selfishness is one of the reasons it has caused segregation in the grieving community and continues to prevent people who have lost a loved one from practicing the two things they desire from other people – emotional support and empathy. Another reason is explained in Powerful Positive #3.
In support groups I attended, most of the time is spent discussing the pain and grief of the attendees. The facilitators or leaders of the groups never mentioned the grief of the spouses, surviving siblings, friends, neighbors or co-workers or friends of the Loved Ones. They also never offered the attendees to invite the aforementioned people to participate in the support group. Therefore, it is impossible for a person to know how to practice empathy if he/she is not invited to be part of the grieving process or participate in a grief support group.
Powerful Positive #3. Grief is grief regardless of how a Loved One dies. People unknowingly and unintentionally turn grief into a competition and act like their grief is worse than another person’s grief. There are people whose Loved Ones have been missing for years. They must live with not knowing their Loved One’s whereabouts and whether they are still alive or dead. Some people have lost a Loved One to a miscarriage, stillborn, or drowning. Some parents were involved in a car accident in which one of their children died. Some people have lost a Loved One who was murdered. In some cases, law enforcement identified and sentenced the killer and in other cases never found the killer. Some people who have lost Loved Ones die by suicide. The list goes on and on.
While each person can make a good argument about how their loved one died, all this competition does is alienate people, create more heartache, and destroy relationships, which in turn leaves a person isolated and stuck in his or her grief. And it also segregates the grieving community.
Powerful Positive #4. Empathy is a two-way street. A person who has NOT lost a loved one can’t relate to another person’s grief or pain. If a person desires empathy from people, he or she must also practice empathy towards other people.
At one time Bridget desire was to make people feel the pain she felt in losing Preston. However, that is impossible and a horrible thought. Why? Because for them to feel her pain their Loved One would need to die in the same way Preston did.
Before you grieved the loss of your Loved one did you practice empathy for another person who was grieving the loss of their Loved one in the way you’d like people to practice empathy towards you?
Do you practice empathy with your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, surviving siblings, relatives, friends, and neighbors; and the friends, neighbors, and co-workers of your Loved One who passed away?
Do you ever discuss the grief of other people like your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, surviving siblings, relatives, friends, neighbors, and co-workers with them or in counseling sessions or workshops?
Have you ever sat and listened to other people who are grieving the loss of a Loved One? Give them a hug and words of reassurance.
Remember that saying “Treat others as though you’d like them to treat you.” The same applies to empathy. “Practice empathy with other people in the same way you’d like them to practice empathy with you.”
Powerful Positive #5. You don’t need to be a prisoner of grief and view it as a death sentence or punishment for past sins or bad choices you made earlier in life. It is just a word that describes an emotion a person feels after a traumatic event like death. Grief shouldn’t stop you from living your life to the fullest after the death of a Loved One.
Powerful Positive #6. Grief isn’t just about being in pain, sadness, and despair and feeling miserable 24/7. It can also include moments of relief, happiness, and hope. Happiness can come from a collection of memories when your Loved One was alive. Or from the empathy you receive from people after your Loved One’s death. A prime example has been the empathy people practiced towards Bridget and Preston through the Passing of Preston’s Charm.
Powerful Positive #7. It’s okay to take a break from grief. You don’t need to wear it on your sleeve 24/7. Taking a break from grief and feeling happy, relieved and at peace doesn’t make you a bad person.
Powerful Positive #8. Managing grief in a healthier and productively takes work!. For example, there are people who will bring you a ladder to help you climb out of the “grief pit.” However, you are the one that has to climb up the ladder. It’s unfair to ask the person giving you the ladder to enter the “grief pit” and help you climb up the ladder.
The passing of Preston’s Charm is another example. Preston’s Charm was not a magic wand that helped Bridget manage grief better. Bridget did the work of making and passing the Charm to people. Had she not done the work people would have never found the charm and sent kind, empathetic messages and photos of where they found or received Preston’s Charm or did with Preston’s Charm to her. It took one year of passing out several hundred of Preston’s Charms before Bridget received her first email message.
Powerful Positive #9. If a person believes that God created a better life for human beings in Heaven, then he or she should be “happy” that their Loved One is in Heaven. And the same holds true for people who practice other spiritual learnings and beliefs. Therefore, why not celebrate a Loved One’s spiritual life in whatever form a person believes in based on his or her religion. And more importantly, living the rest of one’s life on earth in a way that will make his or her Loved One proud!
Powerful Positive #10. Happiness is a choice in life. The same is true when it comes to managing grief. A person can choose anger, pain, sadness, or despair or stay in the “grief pit.” . Or choose peace, relief, happiness, or hope and move forward with life in a way that makes our Loved One proud.. Bridget and I have chosen the latter and are happy with the results.
These “Powerful Positives” will not set you free from grief, but they will help you manage it healthily and productively and do the same for other people, like your spouse, surviving siblings, relatives, friends, neighbors, and co-workers grieving the loss of a Loved One.
Bridget and I are on a mission to rebrand grief and unify the grieving community. If you’d like to join us and learn how to keep your Loved One’s spirit alive and memorialize their lives visit http://www.prestonscharm.com.
The first 5 people who leave a comment will receive a FREE copy of our book “Preston’s Charm: A Charm-ing, Healthy and Empathetic Approach to Grief,” and one FREE Silver Grief Kit for their Loved One. To confirm you’ll receive your FREE Kit, contact Hogan Hilling at ho***@pr***********.com or through the contact page at www.prestonscharm.com
About the Authors
Bridget Jill White Bagley is the co-author of “Preston’s Charm: A Charm-ing, Healthy, and Empathetic Approach to Grief.” She is also the co-owner of Preston’s Charm Empathy Kit www.prestonscharm.com. She was born in Brawley California. Her family moved to Arizona when she was in kindergarten. She works at a mini storage business and is a member of the Winslow Elks Lodge #536 in Winslow, Arizona. Bridget lives with her husband Bill Bagley, whom she married in 2012. Bridget and Bill have a blended family that includes 9 children and 9 grandkids. Bridget’s son, Staff Sergeant Preston Bailey Hancock passed away on August 28, 2018.
Hogan Hilling is the co-author of “Preston’s Charm: A Charm-ing, Healthy, and Empathetic Approach to Grief.” He is also the author of 14 published books and the co-owner of Preston’s Charm Empathy Kit. His last book “Solving Cold Cases” debuted in March 2023. Hilling was a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show in 2001 and appeared in ABC’s The Story of Fathers and Sons Documentary in 1999. His story as a fatherhood advocate has been published in major newspapers like the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Register, New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and Christian Science Monitor. Hogan’s son, Wesley Jordan Hilling (33) passed away on December 18, 2022.
