Bereaved people have calendar problems: important dates loom on the horizon causing distress for many people. When we are aware that a death is looming, this distress can ramp up, creating confusing and messy feelings in families and friends. As forward looking humans, we anticipate events and about what will happen and how we will react.

Anticipation is defined as eagerly awaiting something. But bereaved people experience anticipation in a different way, with fear, denial and dread. Knowing that something is inevitable and wishing that it won’t happen causes fluctuations between hope and despair. This can bring out the best or worst in us and anywhere in between.

Everyone knows about grief after someone dies, but grief shows up before a death as well. The term Anticipatory Grief refers to the feelings and thoughts that arise when someone’s death seems to be just around the corner. Anticipatory Grief or dread is felt by the person who has received a terminal diagnosis and also by their family and friends who will ultimately be affected when the death finally happens. In between, we might cling to hope that there will be some new treatment or that perhaps the doctors were wrong, or that the person will be that one who bucks the statistics. The impending finality opens space for past issues to arise, such as regrets, personal agendas and even secrets. From the knowledge that someone will die and when they do could be a time for caring and even healing some of these older issues, and for some, that possibility is missed.

Sometimes, secrets or things that happened in the past are difficult to address and are left unresolved. This leads to another aspect of grief, Ambiguous Grief. Keeping secrets or worrying that speaking the truth might be hurtful leads to unfinished business which generates ambiguity in how we feel after the person dies.

These themes are expressed very clearly in the play, ‘Til Death, by Elizabeth Coplan, currently playing at the Abingdon Theatre in New York City. Mary, a mother, grandmother and wife with ovarian cancer decides to stop treatment that is no longer helpful to her. Her family members all have their own reactions while anticipating her death, hoping against hope that she won’t “give up,” and exposing secrets that serve to bring them closer or tear them apart.

As I write this, it is December and everywhere I turn there are lights, wreaths, bows and menorahs. The holidays are supposed to be celebratory and, in our culture, this is drummed in with photos and ads of happy smiling people exchanging gifts or piped in “jolly” holiday music blaring everywhere. For the bereaved, this is very challenging. Whether you are in the anticipatory part before a loss or are coping with the messy emotions and thoughts after someone died, the holidays are hard to get through.

Here is my recommendation which I call the ABCs of Grieving Through the Holidays.  These simple tasks can be applied before or after a death and can serve as a guide for getting through personal calendar events as well as the larger, more public ones. Here is a short list of how to manage your grief while the rest of the world seems to expect you to be “happy” at a time when you just cannot do that.

 

A

• • Attend to your needs and your feelings. Pay attention to who you want to see and who you don’t.

• • Ask for help. This is a sign of strength, not weakness. Ask a trusted person to check in with you when you are in public or at a holiday event to make sure you are attending to what feels right.

• • Allow yourself to feel, to remember, to talk about the person you are mourning. If you become overwhelmed, allow yourself to take a break.

 

B

• • Breathe. Keep breathing. If you become anxious or distressed, take some time and sit quietly, following your breath slowly. Breathe in on a count of 4, and out on a count of 6.  Breathe steadily and deeply for about 5 minutes. Repeat as necessary.

 

C

• • Choose. Make choices about how much you can handle, what traditions you’d like to keep, and which ones can be released or modified.  Develop a Plan A and Plan B, choose between them and be prepared to adjust your plans as you need.

• • Communicate your choices to those you love.  Ask for their support and let them know what is important for you. Communicate what you need and then make the choice to act accordingly.

• Compromise if you can.  It’s okay to push yourself outside your comfort zone, but you also can choose not to.

Take care of yourself. The best thing you can do to get through times of anticipatory grief and the holidays is to be gentle with yourself. If you go somewhere, be sure to have an escape plan so you can leave if it doesn’t feel right to stay. And remember, there is also a secret C, which is to CANCEL everything!!